You wrote: “My mind is hypermanic. It’s psychotic. Majik is a way to calm down .. a way out of a maze. In my calm mind, majik lets me go deeper. I rock .. I sway .. am hypnotized until there is nothing left but the darkness and the warmth.”
You wrote again: “That’s why I gave up my meds and going to doctors. I just have to accept my insanity – as the world calls it. I accept it. I make it mine. The soaring angels and mind-wrecking demons. I am not me when the meds kick in and I don’t like that person inside me .. so I shun her and forget her and don’t go near those chemicals. I am me – pure, simple, complicated, and majikal. Forget what those ‘experts’ say, they really don’t know what they’re doing anyway.”
Hearing these words brings a tear to my eye ..
a choke to my throat.
I have a dear friend who I think of often. A fellow mage who takes meds. He is alive, married, with a family .. but the “beast within“, the “dark might“, is barely suppressed.
Reading Your words of madness, relating true sensations and feelings, I hear my friend. I hear his voice as we talked for long hours discussing his “true nature” and his decision to take meds.
You also wrote, “I’ve never tried it to do majiks yet. Now, I might just.”
My friend did do majik in this state – his normal condition. The results were terrifying and exhilarating, profound and elegantly overwhelming. But he shied away from the destructiveness .. the ability to create an opening .. and the fear he would not be able to close it. He feared loosing control .. and much worse.
My suggestion was (and remains) to embrace the madness. That has been my course. With success.
We each must find our own way ..